forgiving myself…
Hmmm…. this is a hard one to share but like always, let’s go…
I was speaking to a colleague who was upset about his previous decisions. He was full of ‘if I hadn’t’ and ‘had I known’, and it occurred to me during our conversation that I, too, could relate. I often wish I could turn back the hands of time and take advantage of certain opportunities or stop myself from making certain decisions, but alas! we don’t have that power yet.
I’ve been in too many situations recently where I’ve had to forgive myself; it was either that or live a life of constant regret and allow that emotion to control my life.
Tonight, I am picking up my notepad and writing to you.
As usual, this is a personal and emotional piece, so please take a deep breath and join me on this journey.
Staring into the night, I’m relieving all the decisions I’ve made but wish I hadn’t.
My inner voice is screaming — Bisola! Why did you do this? You could have done this better! Maybe this wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t do this! You shouldn’t have made that call! What if you had sent that message earlier?
I’m hitting my head hard and thinking once again to myself — Oh, why didn’t you listen? Maybe you could have just avoided this stress you are going through if you had prepared better for that interview, you would have had a different outcome!
Another thought cripples in — you shouldn’t have said this and immediately I screamed back at myself with annoyance — It was out of pain and anger, I didn’t mean it…
And like an unending spiral, My thoughts keep twirling as my mind punishes me for the decisions that have led me to this point.
The saddest truth in all this was that no matter how badly I wished I could turn back the hands of time, I couldn’t and so my wishes, remained wishes, and as such my reality didn’t change.
“But I feel so hurt and bad for myself! All I want is to live a life full of inner peace, joy, serenity and contentment! Is it too much to ask?” I started another inner conversation with myself and from somewhere, I mustered the strength to snap out my self-pity and wallow — “No, Abisola don’t! Don’t do this to yourself, forgive yourself and move on!!
And like a broken record, a voice in my mind asked… how?
How do I move on from these regrets, worries, and endless what if’s? How do I silence the noise in my head and stay focused? How do I live fully without my wandering thoughts waving their direction toward the forbidden line?
I busted out in tears, crying for all my missed chances and many unnecessary and necessary mistakes. The crying continued and it was a night filled with tears, anguish, screaming, hunger, and tiredness… the ‘let this cup pass over me kinda night’
In my tears, I was screaming to God to help me, to teach me how to forgive myself and to focus on him!
And the truth of the solution I was avoiding came in a solemn voice — it said pray!
This thing is beyond you, you can’t do it by your strength, you can’t do it by your power… Pray, Abisola! You are driven by your emotions right now, you need to focus more on me than the what-ifs. Prophesy my words when your thoughts divert towards those thoughts, also, listen to my words in songs…
It continued…
My dear daughter Abisola, I’ve loved you right from your womb, I still love and will forever love you… No circumstances can change that…
You have a sound mind, my peace is in you and above all you’ve been born to shine, to laugh, not to cry (at least not tears of sadness), to win and not to lose, to live in the fullness of purpose and not of confusion…
The spirit of the lord ministered these words to me and I felt an overwhelming peace and slept.
Like me, life happens to the best of us, maybe you have also had a night or even a series of nights like mine, maybe it’s even a daily struggle for you but, part of living is accepting that we would make mistakes and as such we must forgive ourselves if we hope to live a full life.
Sometimes even when the choices we make are the right ones, or seem like the best given the situation, we still find ourselves wishing we hadn’t and end up regretting those decisions. Phew! I guess that’s why they say life is complicated but ours will be of ease. Amen? Amen!
Even though we are expected to forgive ourselves and move on with life, we both know it’s not that easy. There is no right or wrong way but one sure way I definitely know you won`t go wrong is through prayer and the word of God! I hope during this situations you turn to them.
Why did I share this? Maybe to tell you, you are not alone and of course tell you last last, first first, God is the only way for inner peace..